In order to keep the rats at bay, I cleaned the flat today. It was exhausting. Here’s how I rewarded myself:

The best thing about tins of tuna is the initial opening, when the tuna piss seeps out like it’s been holding it tin all day.

Here’s a similar meal debacle from the day before:

Note the simply unacceptable ratio of milk to Shreddies. Those codger-knitted stamps of whole grain should be drowning. Drowning. But I didn’t plan ahead. I horrifically misjudged the situation.

Clearly I’m more Bastard Chef than Master Chef. Sometimes I resort to my own special (K) brand of cooking. This cake I made earlier, for instance, was simply delicious:

What have I become?

OK, so life’s not exactly ideal. I’m sure it’s not for you either, even if your culinary finesse does stretch beyond sponge cakes. But we all have our own little ways of getting through the pain of it all.

Here are five things in life that I swear by, accompanied by photographic evidence of me swearing by them. So you had better run along and fuck off if you don’t like swearing by things.

5. Iron Maiden

Yeah, and what? If only I had a better place to hang that thing than on the door.

4. Facebook

You know what they say - keep your friends close, but not close enough to interact with them in person.

3. Lesbian porn

Straight porn makes me bitter and resentful. I only watch it when I can realistically imagine myself in the place of the man. So, never.

2. Gin

Having had certain bad… episodes with most the other spirits, gin is the only one I haven’t broken up with. However, I have broken up with having that sort of money, so Grandpa’s cough medicine on a given night is more often than not…

1. Dirty cider

And that is the case tonight.