5 Things I Swear By
In order to keep the rats at bay, I cleaned the flat today. It was exhausting. Here’s how I rewarded myself:
The best thing about tins of tuna is the initial opening, when the tuna piss seeps out like it’s been holding it tin all day.
Here’s a similar meal debacle from the day before:
Note the simply unacceptable ratio of milk to Shreddies. Those codger-knitted stamps of whole grain should be drowning. Drowning. But I didn’t plan ahead. I horrifically misjudged the situation.
Clearly I’m more Bastard Chef than Master Chef. Sometimes I resort to my own special (K) brand of cooking. This cake I made earlier, for instance, was simply delicious:
What have I become?
OK, so life’s not exactly ideal. I’m sure it’s not for you either, even if your culinary finesse does stretch beyond sponge cakes. But we all have our own little ways of getting through the pain of it all.
Here are five things in life that I swear by, accompanied by photographic evidence of me swearing by them. So you had better run along and fuck off if you don’t like swearing by things.
5. Iron Maiden
Yeah, and what? If only I had a better place to hang that thing than on the door.
You know what they say - keep your friends close, but not close enough to interact with them in person.
3. Lesbian porn
Straight porn makes me bitter and resentful. I only watch it when I can realistically imagine myself in the place of the man. So, never.
Having had certain bad… episodes with most the other spirits, gin is the only one I haven’t broken up with. However, I have broken up with having that sort of money, so Grandpa’s cough medicine on a given night is more often than not…
1. Dirty cider
And that is the case tonight.
Lack of Web Skills Makes You Impotent and Laughable
This blog has undergone some superficial changes this week. I resized the banner and added some neat extras to the sidebar:
- An RSS link - Unlike most blogs where you simply click and choose your reader, this takes you to a different page where you have to click another link because I’m grossly incompetent.
- Following - These are the people I’m following on Tumblr and it’s only there so you might mistakenly think these people are following me.
- Twitter feed - Brilliant, people can see my latest tweets! The micro-blogger behind the blogger.
That didn’t quite work out. Fair enough, I said at the time - I’ll just remove all the code from the html and we’ll say no harm done.
But it was too late. As far as I can tell, I restored it to exactly as it was before I inserted Twitter’s code, but nope, that stupid thing’s here to stay. Incidentally, this is what you’re missing out on. My three most recent tweets:
Not exactly riveting stuff. Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab - which actually improves with every read.
Nor is it Sad Apostrophe, formerly of Waterstones:
That’s funny. That’s worth leaving to cool on the side of your blog. Me, I hardly ever tweet, and when I do it’s either an automatic link to a new post, or utter drivel I’ve probably repeated on Facebook.
So why did I want Twitter on here in the first place? Because it’s the done thing. It’s what bloggers do. It would have made me look like I knew what I was doing, even if the motivation was highly suspect.
It backfired, of course, because my web skills are embarrassing and I’m too scared (lazy) to learn. That silly Twitter box may look fairly innocuous to you, but it’s going to stick with me forever as a badge of incompetence.
And it may look empty and silent, but it’s actually whispering terrible, snide, truthful nothings in my ear. And so it shall be…
As I walk down the street:
On my wedding day:
When I get divorced:
If you want to ‘join the conversation’, feel free to tweet me (but don’t). Or you could leave a comment in the box below. Your message won’t show up very well though because I don’t know how to make the background lighter. Would you expect any less?
And now, it’s goodnight from me…
‘Unfriend Finder’ for Facebook Reveals Who’s Just Not That Into You
I have less emotional attachment to the majority of my Facebook friends than I do for a small mug I own that says ‘2000: I was there’ on the side. Yeah I was there in 2000 - at school, where they were handing out mugs. It’s a chunk of nostalgia that I had little use for at the time, let alone now.
Similar deal with all the Facebook friends I never talk to, which I imagine is the case for most people. You befriend blasts from the past but you never drink from them. Even if you think about it from time to time.
Few people are massively fussy about who they keep on their friend list - it’s often a gesture of acknowledgement, a wistful nod to times gone by.
Still, some absolute arseholes do secretly delete you from time to time - you notice a tiny drop in numbers but can never work out who’s decided you’re beneath them.
Until now. Today I discovered Unfriend Finder, which reveals who’s deemed you unworthy of being one of their 700 closest friends. No-one’s dumped me recently because why would they - but five people are still sitting on my friend requests. I had forgotten about them but now want to cry and cry.
Here’s a snapshot:
But it’s not all depressing. Glancing at my news feed for the last couple of days it turns out having friends on Facebook isn’t fun in the slightest. I’m reminded of the old conundrum: Do I hate Facebook, or do I just hate people?
Both. Let’s see why, with these 7 odious status updates from real life:
Standard, yes. Standard ‘Looking forward to something young, cool and sexy’ status, perfectly timed to find you at your least young, cool and sexy. If your weekend is that crazy, you should be a slug come Sunday, longing for a salt pot big enough to throw yourself into. So shut up.
Say what the problem is or don’t bother. Get some nuts. It’s the equivalent of sitting with a face like a smacked arse and sighing pointedly until some sap asks what’s wrong. But on Facebook you have to append that with the word ‘hun’ otherwise it’s not sincere.
Any status that begins with ‘Copy and paste’ marks you as a slobbering goof who needs a protective cover over both keyboard and mattress.
Many purport to spread awareness of some cause so the status caster can experience a simulation of selflessness. But most, like this one, don’t even do that. They only reveal a great portion of the population to be primary school children with added crotch hair.
These are just weird. Is it the modern equivalent of bad love poetry? The perpetrators are generally people with whom you avoid eye contact because they obviously want to dig yours out with a spoon - but here they are, making clumsy tributes to loved ones they’re apparently too spineless to name.
- Dubious claims of food poisoning (see also: insomnia when people can’t sleep)
- Boyfriend mention
Yeah, it’s fecal. But…
At the risk of sounding negative, here are a few status updates from the past couple of days that show it’s not all doom and gloom.
Are you the guilty party behind any of the above turds? Should you wish for me to remove your crime from the list, I will of course oblige. Put the spoon down.
Are you disappointed your terrible status didn’t make the list? Don’t lose heart - there’s plenty more ground to cover.